The Daily Grind

We (the family members of cancer patients) are on our own journey of dealing with cancer.  While it is not as difficult or mind numbing as what my brother and brother-in-law are dealing with day to day, it’s still a journey for us. 

There are times when I am grateful I am removed from the daily ritual of sickness and looming treatments, and while not being involved daily can help, it is also a great hindrance.  I often picture my brother sick in a bed and wasting away.  He is not sickly, he does not act different.  He still quotes “The Simpsons” and he still makes me laugh.  Not seeing him is difficult because my imagination gets carried away, and I understand that seeing him every day would wear me out.

My family and I are dealing with my brother’s cancer in a way that seems selfish.  If someone says “I’m so sorry you are dealing with this” I feel like a fraud.  Like I am somehow taking away good thoughts from him.  He is the one dealing with this, not me. 

But in our own way, I guess, we too are dealing with this.  Granted, I don’t have to wear a poison fanny pack every other week, and I still have my eyelashes, and there is no hollow tube stuck in my chest, there are things that I carry every day. 

I’m pissed and I have regrets.

I’m not sure why I’m pissed off, I just am.

It’s terribly selfish to expect my brother to allow me and my family to be a part of this.  This is his journey and he can deal with it in any way that works well for him.  And again, this pisses me off.  

My mom and sister and I are a very nosey bevy of ladies.  We need to be in the know, and we need to feel like we are helping.  To the point of aggravating everyone around us with our incessant offers of drinks, food, and comforts.

My brother is and has always been a very patient person.  I’m fairly certain, he learned this from having to put up with me and my mom and sister.  He relies on humor and we can all learn from him, not just in the face of cancer but in everything we do on a daily basis.  My brother is not defined by his diagnosis, and he is still one funny SOB.