Mama Drama

I'm a working mom and I have stay-at-home mom friends and working mom friends, but the truth is we all WORK.  I'm lucky that there hasn't been mama drama strewn around by my friends. You know, the moms that say stuff like 'it's such a joy to be able to spend my time watching them grow'. Implying that because I work, I don't get to be with my kid.  I work from home which tends to have both of the bad parts of the working and stay-at-home moms.  I get the guilt combined with the feeling of being trapped in my own home.

I usually get comments like 'how lovely to be able to work in your jammies'

And it is lovely; however, I yearn to get out and eat lunch with coworkers, or turn to one and complain about the dick wad that I just had to deal with.

I actually have three jobs.  One full time job that I hate, a part time job that I love and a part time job that I'm doing because it's possible that it could turn into a full time job, so that one day I can quit my shitty one.

The only person that has ever given me shit about this (besides my own scum bag brain) was my doctor.  I was getting a refill on my happy meds, and yes I'm not ashamed to say that I take anti-anxiety meds.  Once Matt deployed for the second of three major deployments I was feeling overwhelmed and started taking meds.  They helped, so I'm still on them.

Anyways, my doctor was asking about my panic attacks and got kinda shitty and asked, 'why do you have three jobs, if you hate your full time one?' 

To which I replied, "well, I guess because I don't know what I'm gonna do.. with forever, and I need to figure it out."  So I don't know what I want to do, but I'm pretty sure it's not working chained to a phone for an insurance company. 

So yes, I have three jobs.  I see my kid a lot, and I need to escape a lot and I get the guilt that every mom feels.  Being a working or stay-at-home mom sucks and is lovely.
I do feel like my health has declined since taking on two part time jobs.  I'm not eating quite as healthy, and I'm not exercising daily like I used to.  So in trying to find my calling, I can't help but feel like I'm giving myself some kind of cancer.

Now trust me, I understand that this is an irrational fear, and that just that thought looming can be detrimental to one's health.  It makes me sound like a hypochondriac, I am not.  I do know that I hadn't been sick in almost two years, and the past two weeks have knocked me down with a stomach bug and a head cold.  Maybe I'm just getting older, or maybe it's because I'm not taking care of myself.  I am supposed to be tweaking my resume right now and instead, I'm swilling NyQuil and I'm on a diatribe about feeling sick.

I'm so grateful for my mom friends.  They have let me get drunk and not chastised me for talking really loudly about sex.  They have let me be pissy and ruin an otherwise nice evening, while I bitch about something mundane.  My mom friends are the anti cancer.  I don't see them enough, but I know they are there.  In the drive by hellos of girl scout pickups and playdate drop offs, I am grateful for even a few minutes of adult contact.  I am proud of all of us for volunteering at school and on weekends to help us raise confident and nerdy girls.  And I'm grateful for group texting that always makes me giggle.  I am grateful that even though I have three jobs, not one of them has ever made me feel like I'm less of a mother for trying to find me.