When bad things happen to good people

I've been thinking about karma a lot lately. Maybe my brother's cancer is some form of karmic retribution. I know a lot of people who would say that he's a great guy, but I beg to differ. I grew up with the guy. I have narrowed down why karma would be getting back at him to three reasons. 

1. He used to tell me that I was adopted and that I had no brain.

 

I know that this is not a new thing for older siblings to do, but I really believed him when he told me I was adopted. I don't really look like the rest of my family, and I was born in Japan, so it was really believable. There was a moment when I was absolutely sure that I was not part of the family. It left me suspicious of my parents to this day. 

Once I accepted that my parents had been lying to me my whole life, and that being adopted was no big deal. He would tell me that I had no brain relentlessly. It would drive me insane. I would say something, and he would say "Shut-up, you don't have a brain." I would respond with, "If I didn't have a brain, I couldn't be talking right now." He'd follow up with, "If you didn't have a brain, you wouldn't know it." Repeat this about 40 times a day, and I would start believing him. Maybe I am adopted, maybe I don't have a brain. I still don't know. 

2. He used to hit me when I beat him at video games.

We didn't have much money growing up, but somehow our parents managed to get us the latest video game system. I don't know how they managed to do it, but we got a Super Nintendo when it came out. We also got this little indie game called Street Fighter 2. We'd spend unhealthy amounts of time playing the game. My brother was a master of button mashing. I took my time and learned the special moves and secrets. I became better at the game, beating my brother nine times out of ten without trying that hard. Once that happened, his technique changed. I'd beat him, and then he would hit me over the head with the controller. I got good at dodging, but he would nail me in the head most of the time. This extended to any other game we would play. He was methodical about it though. Some times he wouldn't hit me, just to see me flinch. After I flinched, he would hit me. It made for very tense video games. Fast forward to 2013, I still play video games, and I still flinch when I win. I flinch when I am playing by myself. I don't like people sitting near me when I play games. I have PTSD from playing with my brother.

3. My brother would shoot me with a blow gun.

That's not a typo. My parents got my brother a real blow gun. He couldn't have been much older than eleven when my brother got this dangerous weapon. It fires darts that look like this:

Let me make another thing clear: we did not grow up in the country where shooting stuff is normal. We didn't have a bunch of land where shooting one of these would be sensible. We also were not south american tribesmen forced to fashion a weapon that could shoot tree dwelling animals for our survival. We were a family in a one story house in a crappy neighborhood. 

My brother would shoot this thing in his room at the walls and whatnot. When he got tired of shooting stationary targets, I was in the cross hairs. I would walk to the kitchen, and get shot in the leg. It would hurt, and I would bleed a little. My brother would threaten me if I said that I was going to tell our parents. An abusive relationship was formed. A trip to the bathroom would require quick feet and a few ninja rolls. Unfortunately, for me, my brother is a great shot. It's odd that I was the one who joined the Army, when he was so good at shooting people. 

Karma might have been paying attention to all of these things and punished him with cancer. Maybe that is what happened. If that is the case, most of us would have cancer. 

In the years that followed, my brother became a responsible hard-working guy. All this craziness happened during adolescence, he has done a lot of growing up. I'd almost call him a decent person. I have known him my entire life and he has always been there for me when I was destroying my own karma. So I think that his karmic debt would have been paid by now. 

If it is Karma; Karma can go fuck itself. 

Quit playin

I'm a creep

Is it "uncurable" or "incurable"?

Either way it's unbearable and intolerable. Cancer is all Matt and I can think about.  I was texting with my brother today about Matt's brother.  It's weird that our brothers have this in common now.  What a shitty thing to be able to relate to. Its like you win a prize for being stage IV, only winners get diagnosed stage IV on their first try. 

My brother said "What a shitty awful sneaky disease.  Cancer doesn't fight very fair.  By the time we knew about our conditions it's already too far spread.  Fucking terrible."

My brother, stage IV, feels bad for someone else that is stage IV.  I'd like to think I'd be so kind.  I'm not so sure.

If I was going through chemo, I'd be the whiniest asshole.  I'd wish everyone else would have to go through it. There is no way I'd have sympathy for anyone going through anything else.  

"Oh you're stage II? Cute"

"Oh poor thing you have pneumonia? That's adorable"

"Stroke? That's hysterical"

Basically I would use cancer as an excuse to be an even bigger jerk than I already am.  Because let's face it, if I'm suffering from headaches/cramps/vertigo/stubbed toe/corn in my teeth/boogers/heartburn, everyone suffers.

I'm constantly amazed at how pleasant my brother and brother-in-law still are, in spite of their disgusting poison treatment.

They are losing weight and white blood cells and they still are able to make jokes.  They amaze me.  

If I ever get diagnosed with cancer, please unfriend me, because I promise, I will make everyone around me miserable and enjoy every minute of it.

louis, louis

http://happyplace.someecards.com/26383/louis-ck-explains-on-conan-why-kids-shouldnt-have-iphones

A letter to God

Dear God,
I've heard you work in mysterious ways, but I don't seem to see the lesson here. When bad things happen, we are all supposed to nod our heads and say, "God works in mysterious ways." Then we are all supposed to find the hidden lesson in all that is happening. If the lesson is that you don't like us much, then message received. If the big take away from the Christian God is that you loved us so much that you sent your only son to die for our sins, I can tell you that is not good enough anymore. Way too many people have given up their lives for others for me to be impressed by you killing your son. How is that supposed to work anyhow? How am I supposed to feel better about you when you kill your son. If I met anyone else on this planet who had purposefully killed his son, that guy would be an asshole. If he said it was for a good cause, I would still be uncomfortable around that guy. If that guy told me he loved me and forced me to give him money and sing songs about him, I would not call that man mysterious. I would call him a dick.
Your all consuming love is a front for explaining away bad things. I for one, am sick of it. You sent your only son to die? Who gives a shit? I've known plenty of people who have died. Am I supposed to be impressed by the fact that you sent your son to die? So, you are all knowing and all powerful and so on; you would have known that your son would rise from the grave anyhow. So is that really sacrifice? You knew he was coming back. You knew, and yet we are supposed to literally bow down because you let your son come down to earth to die, even though you knew he was coming back. That's some sneaky shit, God.
Meanwhile, cancer is killing people everyday. Here's a list of  diseases that have been cured in modern times.
1. Chicken Pox (1995)
2. Diphtheria (1913)
3. Hib Disease (1985)
4. Malaria
5. Measles (1963)
6. Pertussis (Whooping Cough) (1933)
7. Pneumococcal Disease
8. Polio (1955)
9. Tetanus (1933)
10. Typhoid Fever (1896)
11. Yellow Fever (1944)
12. Smallpox 
I'm sure that you already knew all that information because, you are all-knowing and whatnot, but I'd like to remind you that a lot of diseases get cured. So what is your stance on cancer? Is it still you working in mysterious ways? If you wanted me to solve mysteries, shouldn't you have created me as a detective, or a crime sniffing dog, or a team of hard on their luck kids who solve mysteries? Or you could be more like David Blaine, David Copperfield, or Chris Angel, cuz those fuckers are mysterious. 
Here's the thing, God. You are trying to kill the people I love and it makes me hate you. There is no fucking mystery in that. 

Your old pal, 
Matt Beard 

It's universal

So I'm just now watching "Breaking Bad"

I'm like a small Eastern European country, I'm at least five years behind on the cool things the youth are into.

Either way this meme is pretty much my take away.  

Laughter is the best medicine, well that and actual medicine.

I don't really want to think or write about cancer today, so enjoy this thing that makes me laugh.

-Matt

RAD

There was a time when kids would just ride their bikes everywhere. I know that it feels like a long time ago, but when I was a child, that's what we did. My brother and I would ride out bikes all over the planet. The feeling of freedom that we had riding around our neighborhood was exhilarating. The world was our oyster. It was like the world had grown to a size that only we could understand. We became bike mechanics, fixing busted chains and checking for flat tires. At ten this is a big deal. The movie Rad (a BMX bike riding movie) was a big hit on the VHS circuit back then, so obviously our future revolved around competitive bike riding. None of that tour de France crap, but riding over jumps and hopping curbs was our future. That was our world. That was our danger zone (Top Gun was a big hit at the time too).
I must have been ten, my brother eleven and we were riding our rad bikes through a neighborhood with Kenny Loggins running through our heads. Before we could realize it, we had bogies to our six. Teenagers were fast approaching. My brother was ahead of me, and the teenagers flew past me. They knocked my brother off of his bike. I skidded to a halt, leaving black marks on the sidewalk. One of the big kids pushed my brother down and started kicking him. I was frozen with fear. Fight or flight was not an option. My only option was observe. I watched the teenagers kick and beat my brother, unable to do anything but cry. They must have got their fill and rode off, leaving my brother on the ground. He eventually got up and we rode home.
I have been thinking a lot about that incident since my brother's cancer diagnosis. I have been thinking about how I did nothing during his time of need. I'm a grown man now. I have been in fights. I can hold my own. If anyone tried this move today, I would destroy who ever tried to mess with my brother. Now that I have the ability to fight and defend my brother, I can't do anything.
Cancer has turned me back into that scared shitless little boy, frozen with fear.
-Matt    

The Daily Grind

We (the family members of cancer patients) are on our own journey of dealing with cancer.  While it is not as difficult or mind numbing as what my brother and brother-in-law are dealing with day to day, it’s still a journey for us. 

There are times when I am grateful I am removed from the daily ritual of sickness and looming treatments, and while not being involved daily can help, it is also a great hindrance.  I often picture my brother sick in a bed and wasting away.  He is not sickly, he does not act different.  He still quotes “The Simpsons” and he still makes me laugh.  Not seeing him is difficult because my imagination gets carried away, and I understand that seeing him every day would wear me out.

My family and I are dealing with my brother’s cancer in a way that seems selfish.  If someone says “I’m so sorry you are dealing with this” I feel like a fraud.  Like I am somehow taking away good thoughts from him.  He is the one dealing with this, not me. 

But in our own way, I guess, we too are dealing with this.  Granted, I don’t have to wear a poison fanny pack every other week, and I still have my eyelashes, and there is no hollow tube stuck in my chest, there are things that I carry every day. 

I’m pissed and I have regrets.

I’m not sure why I’m pissed off, I just am.

It’s terribly selfish to expect my brother to allow me and my family to be a part of this.  This is his journey and he can deal with it in any way that works well for him.  And again, this pisses me off.  

My mom and sister and I are a very nosey bevy of ladies.  We need to be in the know, and we need to feel like we are helping.  To the point of aggravating everyone around us with our incessant offers of drinks, food, and comforts.

My brother is and has always been a very patient person.  I’m fairly certain, he learned this from having to put up with me and my mom and sister.  He relies on humor and we can all learn from him, not just in the face of cancer but in everything we do on a daily basis.  My brother is not defined by his diagnosis, and he is still one funny SOB.

Brace Yourself

Yeah, so I am 33 years old and I am all set to have a camera go up my butt. I know that in some circles, that is a normal statement. I do not exist in any of those circles. I went to the doctor today to explain what happened with my brother, and the doctor is setting me up with the best gastro doc in town (or first available). She asked if I had any preferences, and I told her that I wanted someone with strong hands and a gentle soul. Isn't that what we are all looking for?
I was reading from a book last night, because I still know how to read (thanks Indian Lakes Elementary). I wanted to leave with some sad quotes.
"The diagnosis of cancer--not the disease, but the mere stigma of its presence--becomes a death sentence. The illness strips you of your identity. It dresses you in a patient's smock and assumes absolute control of your actions. To be diagnosed with cancer, is to enter a border less medical gulag."  That's from the book "The Emperor of All Maladies."   For all of the grammar a-holes that are thinking about the punctuation around the title of the book, you can drink a 12 hour liquid diet then be fed a bunch of laxatives, shit yourself for seven hours, have a camera shoved up your ass, and then be told that your butt is killing you. Or you could just let it go. Your choice.
More to follow folks. I feel like we are just getting warmed up. 

Matt & Ryan (and baby Ben)

Chip & Leah

Everyone Poops (kind of)

So, I am officially afraid to poop. I know that I shouldn't be. Maybe this book will help. I don't understand why there is an apple on the cover. Does an apple poop? If so, maybe we've been looking at apples wrong this entire time. I have never had trouble pooping before. Ask anyone. One time, I pooped in a zip lock bag and put it in some one's  barracks room. Do you know sheer mechanics of pooping in a plastic baggie? It's an adventure to say the least. I can poop in front of anyone. One time I pooped in the white house. The actual white house. Where the President of the United States lives. It was a big moment for me.
After my brother was diagnosed with colon cancer, I can't bring myself to poop. Maybe today will be the day. I will keep everyone posted.

-Matt 

Fuck Cancer

I’ve been 32 for almost a year now and in that time I’ve had a miscarriage, a deployed husband, a brother diagnosed with stage IV cancer, and now a brother in law diagnosed with, guess what?! stage IV cancer.  

Up until this week I was looking forward to putting 32 behind me.  I am not afraid to grow older and this has been one hell of a year and I was in desperate need to get out of the 32 funk.  Now I’m terrified to get older. My brother was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 35. My husband’s brother was diagnosed this week, and he turns 35 in a month.

How on earth did 35 become the new 75?

Cancer is weird. In almost all types of cancer an audience wants to blame the patient.   When I told people that my brother was diagnosed, at 35, with stage IV esophageal cancer, the first reaction was “well, did he smoke?”

People inherently want to blame the cancer on the cancer patient.  Its easier to deal with if they can think that its only terrifying if they do certain activities.  A neighbor asked, when hearing about my brother in law, if he had a bad diet.  The audience wants to blame someone other than cancer.

Cancer is this scary thing that is hard to explain, but somehow becomes less terrifying if the patient themselves “deserve it”.  No one deserves cancer.  For the record, my brother had persistent heartburn that lead to his cancer.  WTF?!  Heartburn?  How does that lead to cancer?

My brother in law has lead a gluten free diet for the past year.  They are in no way responsible for their diagnoses.   Its bullshit that the first reaction of most people is to blame. I was totally guilty of it too.  I like the idea of being able to say that I definitely won’t get testicular cancer because I don’t lead a lifestyle that makes me have male organs.  They seem bunchy and I’m sure would get in the way a lot, so I KNOW I won’t get any type of ball cancer.  Thank GOD I don’t have balls!

Ball cancer or not, No one deserves cancer.  People seem less sympathetic once they find out its anything but breast cancer.  That is why the NFL gets all decked out in pink. Breast cancer is that unicorn of all cancers.  Its beautiful and easy to find “hope for a cure”.  People love to picture breasts, even if they are cancer ridden. No one wants to picture an esophagus or colon. How do you assign a color to those.  Breast cancer is pretty in pink.  All cancers should be represented by doo doo brown, or if there is a color of a unicorn’s tears, that is what we should put on a ribbon.

Fuck Cancer

-Leah

The amount of brothers with cancer is too damn high!

About a year ago my wife found out that her brother had stage four esophageal and bone cancer. Two days ago I found out that my brother has stage four colon and liver cancer. Now when they say stage four, I almost want to say, "well done, you've made it to stage four." Unfortunately, that's not the case. My brother is thirty five. My wife's brother is thirty six. We are going to use this space to vent about how cancer sucks. We are not going to try to cure cancer, but there's a lot that we don't know. So, welcome, we are going to curse and yell and go through all of the stages of grieving. Including some new ones that we are going to make up. I'm sure that there are going to be some posts that aren't about cancer, so bear with us for a bit.  My name is Matt. My wife's name is Leah. We will try to post as often as possible.