Love you, Bro.

Leah's Eulogy for Chip: 

Chip was many things to all of us, an awesome brother, son, cousin, husband, friend and father. There are a lot of wonderful things to remember about him, but the most important was his amazing talent for making us love the things that he loved. He loved movies, music, good company and food, … and oh yeah, jaeger bombs.

If there was ever anyone that wanted to share his experiences with you, it was Chip.  He was always an entertainer, even as a little guy, he was a great story teller, a real mother goose. He had an ability to quote movies and get accents and impressions down, I won’t try to mimic that talent here, but he was charismatic and warm and made everyone feel comfortable. To see a movie through his eyes was to see it in brighter colors.

Music was an important thread that wove through Chip’s life with inspiration from our Aunt Robin and our Cousins, Amy and Becky, and our ever-so-awesome sister, Rachel. He took me to my first concert and we went to dozens more together.

He loved to air drum. Now, this is no easy feat but he used to make it look easy. So easy, in fact, that I still try my very best to do the same while listening to Metallica alone in my own car. Air drumming is one of those things that you have to be extremely confident to do. You cannot be afraid to look ridiculous and bad-ass at the same time and Chip knew how to be both.

My mom and dad are fantastic and raised us well. So much of their best qualities were reflected in Chip. They will tell you that he was always nurturing. When I was a baby, he would climb into my playpen and make me laugh. I used to yell for him when he wasn’t around. He took care of me when I was a baby and then throughout my childhood.

All of my life he welcomed me into his antics.  Whether it was tagging along with him while he and his buddy threw water balloons at passing cars in Texas, or “letting me” lay down on the sidewalk so he could Ollie over me with his Powell Peralta skateboard (which mom only found out about when we were both in our thirties). He was light hearted and always up for anything. He let me hang out with him and his friends in high school and I then chose a college where I could be close to him.

He watched out for me and made sure I would be ok. Chip was through and through my big brother, but he also became the big brother to everyone he met. Once he joined the Air Force he would make dinners and welcome everyone into his home on holidays.  Those that couldn’t get home to visit with their own family would hang out with Chip, and he became many people’s new family. If you stopped by to visit while he was trudging through the thick of chemo, he would make sure that you were comfortable and had a blanket or a spot on the couch to cuddle with the dogs, putting your needs over his own, he loved to take care of those most important to him.

Chip always knew how to have fun (sometimes too much fun) and was constantly amazed with the world around him. Even when things got tough, he could lighten the mood with a joke.  His laughter, his attitude, and his love for everything were contagious. Chip was that guy that everyone wanted to be around because his happiness would emanate to the entire group. We were all lucky to know him.

After he met Jenny, we all knew they were great for each other. Jenny is also laid back and generous. The two of them fit well and became an admirable team, willing to take on the world of Dave Matthew’s concerts and eventually the beast of cancer.  Jenny became a Rohr by marriage and a saint by her actions. She took care of Chip in ways that no one else could, and she did so for four and a half years. We all were prepared for a sprint with this cancer journey and Jenny was well prepared for the marathon; because she knew he would fight like hell.

He went from being a great son and the best brother, Rachel and I could ever imagine, to being an amazing and silly uncle to Audrey, Maddie and Sofia, to then becoming the most wonderfully fun and light hearted father.

When Avery was born, he became complete. He always wanted to be a dad, Chip and Steph made an amazing human together and Avery was the light of his life. Avery has the best qualities of both her mom and her dad. She is smart and funny, generous and thoughtful.

Avery has been raised by four of the best people in the world, Chip and Jenny, Steph and Ryan, they all love her fiercely. Now three of them will continue to care for her and guide her and show her what an amazing person her father was.

When someone dies we want to focus on only great attributes but no one is shaped by all good. There are messy and scaly sharp edges to each of us. Those prickly bits define our soft fluffy edges and give them shape. At times my brother could be cynical and total know-it-all but he was also hilarious and kind. Like humans before him and all of us left after him, we all are combined with horrible and wonderful bits, swirling together marking territory and making memories.

We are all forever changed because of cancer, I have never hated something more. But it has shaded our good parts to be more defined and poignant. Good and bad we will never be the same. I’m not sure what stupid lesson we learn from someone we love being taken way too soon,  but I do know that Chip would have wanted us to remember the good, as we are all better people just for knowing him.

So Chip, for you, “Celebrate, we will, because life is short but sweet for certain”

Love you bro.

Just being there is enough

I have recently been given the honor of being with a dear friend, Carla, on the last day of her life. Let me tell you, it was effing tough. Being among her family and friends, while everyone tried to grasp the finality of death, is something that not many people go through. One minute our loved ones are with us and the next they are gone.

I have kept our daughter, Sofia, closely involved with all of these recent events. Over the past six months, her uncle and now her best friend's mother were taken way too soon from this earth, because of cancer. I have allowed her in on our talks of how shitty cancer is, I have cursed and cried in front of her and I have held her while she wept. Sofia still has a tender heart, and I fear mine is turning into a cold dead little nugget inside my chest. I see her cry for her uncles or for her friend and I am moved by how much she cares.

We have visited a few times over the past week, with Carla and her family, so that Sofia could just be there for her friend. Sometimes I wondered if I should be exposing Sofia to the final stages of life. If her seeing her uncle six months ago, or our friend six days ago, is too much for her to grasp. The end stages of life are tough even for adults to witness.
In the end, I decided that Sofia needs to witness extremely sick people just as she needs to see healthy people. She needed to just be present, while understanding that love is there when you come into our world as much as it is when you leave this world.

I had a talk with Sofia and her friend on the day that her mother, Carla, died. I told her that her mother was in a bad state and she would have to say goodbye to her when we got to her home. I then told Sofia's friend that no matter how much she tried, she wouldn't be able to get rid of Sofia and I in the coming days. I told this 10 year old girl that she would be so sick of us, and just wanting us to leave her alone because we are so lame and corny, and I made her laugh. Seconds after telling her she would have to say goodbye to her mom, she was laughing and joking that she already was sick of us. This kid is so strong and resilient and so quick to enjoy a moment and give a sarcastic remark, she is definitely her mother's daughter.

Sofia has been so worried for her friend and I hope that she has learned that just being there is enough. It is impossible to find the correct words to say or things to do, but just be present and light will find you.

Namaste Carla, and Peace be with your daughter and husband, we are here for all of you whether you like it or not!
And oh yeah, FUCK CANCER!

Ahh the magical holidays are back...

Matt and Sofia and I put up our Christmas tree last night and I found myself getting very emotional. The holidays are a difficult time for everyone, but this year, Matt no longer has a brother. Ryan was Matt's go-to guy to nerd out over things like video games and Star Wars. Matt is a closet nerd and he keeps trying to talk to me about Star Wars but I don't really know or care about the intricacies of the plot line.

I'm trying to make this year special for Matt because I know he is not in a good place.

Yesterday was a rough day for both of us, for no particular reason. It rained for three days straight, and I was listening to a lot of Emo. What really hit me though was Facebook showing me a particular "On this Day" picture of the two of us in the fall of 2012. Thank you Facebook for reminding me how thin and wrinkle free my body was just a short three years ago. The past three years have taken a toll on me mentally and physically.

November 2012 was a rough month. I had a miscarriage, I turned 32, my dad's uncle died and my brother was diagnosed with stage IV cancer.
My Brother found out the day before Thanksgiving, and my parents came to our home, in Charlottesville, on Thanksgiving, to drop off their dog. We dog sat for them for a few months while they traveled to Omaha to visit my brother.

This year, my brother will travel with his wife and daughter, to Virginia Beach. We are all looking forward to it, but I also understand that getting excited to see my brother is a reminder to Matt that he doesn't get to see his.

I guess adding on some weight and wrinkles isn't so bad when you consider the things we have been through as a couple in the past three years.

Since this picture was taken, we've been through:
11 months of unemployment
10 months of deployment
5 different jobs
3 dogs in our home
2 sick brothers
1 miscarriage
and a partridge in a pear tree.

May peace and joy find you this holiday season. Love the ones you are with, and send warm fuzzies to those that are far away. Namaste people.

Trust your Gut

I have an endoscopy this week, in an attempt to prove to my brain that I am cancer free. Our doctors have told my Sister and I to get scoped because of our family history. My Brother has stage IV esophageal cancer and my Dad has Barrett's Esophagus, which is pre-esophageal cancer (whatever the fuck that means). During her scope, my Sister ended up finding out that she has Celiac Disease, which can lead to cancer.

I made an appointment with a gastroenterologist to have a scope done too, since our family history is quite impressive with gut problems.  I had to get a referral from my family doc to the gastro, then they had me in for a pre-appointment appointment. This in-person appointment to make another in-person appointment ended up costing me $219 so I'm really excited to see how much the actual scope will cost. It's no wonder people don't have these medical procedures done.
An endoscopy is not nearly as horrific as prepping for a colonoscopy which you can read about here, so I'm not crabby about it. I would like to say I'm not nervous either, but I am. My Brother was not expecting to find out anything just as my Sister, Dad and Matt's Brother weren't when they were scoped. I will think positively and enjoy all of the gluten that I can in the next 5 hours before I begin fasting.

I'm really unsure if I had to pick, would I prefer to have Celiac Disease over Cancer?  I mean, seriously, give up donuts?! They are basically the love of my life. 

God's Plan Sucks. Matt's Eulogy for his brother, Ryan

This is the eulogy Matt wrote for Ryan's funeral.  Ryan Beard died on Monday June 22, 2015 because cancer is an unfair beast.

"Thank you all for coming here. The past few days have been some of the hardest I've ever faced. The family has been surrounded by nothing but support and love from everyone who knew Ryan. It means a lot to me, and if I had time to thank everyone individually, I would. But for now, thank you. 

When you have an older brother, you expect him to last forever. You come into life with a built-in safety net. The world is not as scary when you have an older brother. I always knew that no matter what happened, I always had Ryan to help catch me when I fell. I always had faith that I could face any odds, because my brother was nearby. A couple of days ago, I thought that no one could understand what it would be like to lose a big brother. Then the stories from old friends started coming in. I realized that he played that role for everyone. He was a big brother to all of us. If you are here right now, at some point, Ryan helped you out, made sure that you got back up when you fell down and in most cases, ensured that you never fell in the first place. He treated you like he treated me. He treated you like he was your older brother;   know that on Monday we all lost our big brother. I am not alone in my grief. 

Ryan loved to sit with friends and talk. We would tell stories until all hours of the night.  Ryan personified three main characteristics: he was the voice of reason, he always worked hard, and he loved his family. What better way to explain this than to share some stories? 

RYAN WAS THE VOICE OF REASON: 

     One year, when we were much too old to do it, I was probably 17, Ryan and I saw a brand new Laser Tag set in Target. We got way too excited about it, and bought a bunch of them. Me and Ryan and some friends would take these Laser Tag guns and vests and play in public parks and play grounds after dark. We had a blast. It was amazing. We ran around shooting each other and tallying the score, and had a great time. We always talked about doing it indoors. It would be just like an action movie if we did it inside. The problem was, we didn't have big enough houses to really make it work indoors. A friend suggested that we play over in a new housing development where all of the houses had been built, but the doors and windows hadn't been put on. We headed out there one night and had the time of our lives. We played amazing games of laser tag that night, we were diving down stairs and ducking into rooms and ninja rolling for no reason.  It was a great time. While playing, a spotlight shone on the house, and we heard a helicopter circling above. Then we saw blue and red lights flashing, it was the Virginia Beach Police in full force. Someone had seen a bunch of kids running around with guns, and called the police. It must have been a slow night because the police brought everyone. We heard the dogs barking. Ryan and I sat down against a wall and just stared at each other wide eyed. "I'm going to run!" one of our friends said. Ryan calmly assessed the situation and  told everyone "Put the toys down, and we are going to walk outside with our hands up." We did as he said and walked out with our hands up only to be faced with about ten police officers with their guns drawn. The responding officer was an older guy and realized that we were not criminals and we hadn't damaged anything. He told the other police officers to 'stand down, these were just kids'. We were handcuffed and sat on the curb to tell our story. The old officer took pity on us that night and told us that he didn't see anything malicious here. It looked like we were just kids having a good time, he took our information, uncuffed us and told us to not be so stupid next time. Ryan was the one who was cool under pressure and made the right decision. He was always the voice of reason in a sea of dumb ideas. 

RYAN WAS HARDWORKING: 

Ryan was the first of the group of friends that got a job. As soon as he was able to to work, he had a job. He bounced from job to job, but when he got the job at channel 13 he served as a reminder that there were options other than retail. He was so cool for having a job at the TV station. At the time nobody in our group was so successful. Ryan took me to the station a few times, and I was always impressed. I didn't think that it would be possible to do something so important. That's back when TV news was still cool.  One night my girlfriend at the time and her friend were hanging out with me and Ryan. It was late at night, and we had to take the ladies back to Norfolk. Ryan came up with the idea to swing by the station to show it off. After all, a TV news station is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Back then, when the station was off air, they ran a graphic displaying station information. So we got to go into the station and sat at the news desk and make fake reports. The real fun happened when we went to the green screen that the weather report used. Ryan pulled up the map, so we acted like real weather reporters. Things got ridiculous, and he scrolled the map behind us. We acted like we were flying over the east coast. "And in the Eastern Shore, there is a 100 % chance of me grabbing your butt." "Look I'm grabbing your butt over Norfolk." We had a great time, just making jokes and causing trouble. After we were done, we dropped the ladies off at their place and started the drive back home. On that drive, Ryan got a call on his company cell phone. A friend from the station just happened to have channel 13 on at around 2:30 in the morning. The off-air graphic that was used was ran through the weather green-screen computer. So for about fifteen minutes, we were on live TV, acting like idiots and likely breaking a number of FCC regulations. To understand what kind of guy Ryan was, instead of trying to hide it,  he apologized, swore it would never happen again, and it was water under the bridge. 

Ryan taught himself everything at that station. He was always concerned that hadn't gone off to college, so he worked his butt off constantly. He learned everything thing he could, about every aspect of the station. He had the rare ability to allow all that did not truly matter, just slide away. He is still my reference point when I think of what hard work can accomplish. He taught me that hard work could cure a lot of problems. 

RYAN LOVED HIS FAMILY:

There was a time when Ryan, like most of us,  was a little lost. He had broken his arm, his girlfriend had broken up with him, and his brother had left for the Army. For a time he lost that twinkle in his eye and he didn't laugh as much. Then he met  Sarah and Ryan came back in full force and he never looked back. He was happy again. He laughed louder and smiled more. After him and Sarah got together, he was excited about life again. The two of them fit well together and became an amazing team, willing to take on the world.  

I was kind of on the accelerated track through adulthood. I got married before he did and I had a child before he did. After Sarah and Ryan were married, Ryan would call me to ask advice. It was odd how our roles had started to change and I became the one giving the advice. When Ben was first born, Ryan would call me worried about everything. He was a great dad, and that's what we do, we worry constantly. One night he called me when Ben was an infant and asked what he should do if another kid made fun of Ben or tried to fight Ben. I told Ryan that parenthood was a process of small steps. He needed to take things one step at a time. I said that he should focus on getting Ben sleeping through the night first and then we could worry about kids making fun of him at school.  There would be time enough to worry about things like dating and fights later. I told him to worry about what he could control.   

When Ryan was diagnosed, he thought about all of the things that he wanted to do before he died. I always told him it could be anything. He could travel to Europe or see the Taj Mahal, or do anything he wanted. The only thing on his list was to rent a beach house and spend time with his friends and family. And that's just what he did. 

Near the end of his life, his only concern was for his family. He didn't care about what he was going through. He was really only worried about us. I had some minor jaw pain a few months ago and had to see a doctor about it. It wasn't that big of a deal, and it amounted to me just having jaw pain that would come and go. On Saturday, in his home, he asked me how my jaw was doing and if I was okay. That's how he was.

He told me that he was never scared of dying. He told me that his only concern was for us. He told me that he had the easy part in all of this, it was us that he was worried about. That's just Ryan. 

 

He supported me and set me straight when I was the worst version of myself, and never took credit when I was the best version of myself. His influence was the reason for some of my greatest successes. 

He will always be the calm voice in my head urging me to make the right decisions. He was the best of us. Ryan's dynamic and generous spirit will resonate for decades, through his family and friends.  I will miss him forever and he will not be forgotten."

Living things that I care about

I think we should create a Strong Women's Day, where every woman feels supported and can support those around us.  I am all for changing Mother's Day to this.  I think  it is important for women to feel appreciated.  What I also think is a good thing, is saying "thanks" to your mom or step mom today, because being a mom is hard work.  Now if you aren't a mom, no problem, this day isn't about you.  No worries, not every day has to be about you, so please stop posting shit like this:

Mother's Day isn't a day to say "Hey world, check me out", Mother's Day is a day to say "Look at all of these badass moms that I'm surrounded by, you all are doing a great job!"

I get it, women that don't/can't have kids, maybe you want them, and you can't.  I know how that feels, I wanted more and I can't.  I'm very lucky to have one kid, and I know you may feel that Mother's day is a slap in the face.  Don't.  Not everything is about you, and not everything is meant to offend  you.  Mother's Day is a day to say thank you to moms.

Now, I am a pet owner, and I am a daughter of a pet owner, and a sister of a pet owner, and a neighbor to a pet owner, and I can tell you that on the list of living things that I care about, my dogs are just above my hydrangea and my neighbor's goldfish.

 I care about other people's kids, more than I care about my dogs.  I don't think that makes me a bad pet owner, I think that makes me a decent human being.

If you aren't a mom, but you have a mom, say thank  you.  If you aren't a mom and you don't have a mom, say thank you to your gradma or aunt or neighbor or nice lady at work that brought you cookies.

I liken this to white people complaining during Black History Month.  Newsflash, not every day of the entire fucking year is meant to celebrate you.  And that is ok, now get a grip and thank a mom today.  And if you are a strong bomb ass female that doesn't have kids, good for you, I celebrate you today and every day, because we all are strong amazing beings.  Now I'm going to say thank you to my mom and my sister and my best frans and my facebook and real life friends and everybody that is a mom to a human being. Namaste.

Just Be Ugly

Matt and I watched that Cancer Documentary from PBS. In case you missed it, it was very good, stop reading this and go watch it! Learn something today. The one thing that I did take away, was that we are never going to find a cure for cancer. Some cancers have been treated using hormone therapy and others using viruses or our own immune systems; however, there will never be a One-Size-Fits-All Cure for Cancer and that fucking sucks. Contrary to what we have been telling ourselves for decades, cancer will not be cured.
Obesity is surpassing Smoking as the #1 spot on the list of preventable causes of deaths. Obesity causes cancer, along with a myriad of other diseases. So why do I keep playing with my weight in a way that is dangerous? Granted I'm not morbidly obese, but I do yo-yo between unhealthy and overweight.  It is that time of year again, when I decide that I'm chubby. This seems to happen every year, but the weight fluctuations are getting larger. I used to fluctuate 5 pounds, now its 15. I will get back there, as I always do, but it holds more importance as I grow older.
Matt and I are doing the Shaun T 25 workout and I hate it, and I think I died doing it (see below photo of death by T25).

 I know you are supposed to hate these videos, but I honestly didn't hate my Jillian Michaels DVD.  I think because she is mean, and Shaun T is too nice.  Shaun T is polite and says, "you can do this" while Jillian says "get moving, I have 400 pound people that can do this".  Essentially calling me a fatass is what really gets me motivated.  Matt decided he wanted to lose a few pounds,   He has been working hard and he has lost 17 since January.  I have gained 5 since January.  So yet again, today marks the day that I say no more donuts fatass.  Today I say FUCK CANCER and Get Moving.